You are authorized to use the Titan-Giganten

July 24th, 1917

Communiqué from Crown Prince Wilhelm to Generalleutnaut Konstantin Schmidt von Knobelsdorf, Commander of X Corps

You are authorized to deploy the k.u.k. Tiroler Reitende and Fliegend Einhornwaffe (Imperial and Royal Tyrolean Mounted and Flying Unicorn Brigades) for frontal assaults on a temporary basis, at your best discretion. You are also authorized to use the Titan-Giganten (Titanium Giants) on a field-limited basis. They are not authorized for use against human combatants except those officers who command and direct Bärenvolk units in the field. You will bear sole responsibility for any violation of the Geneva Conventions or other international laws of war, and if you fail all responsibility will fall to you. If however you succeed, victory shall be mine to claim.

July 26th, 1917

Field Operation Instructions (a.k.a. “orders”) to Major Horace S. Browntrout from Brigadier General Mac Allan Macaby, “Mac the Body Stacker”

You will meet with the Quartermaster General for special requisitions of rugged two-wheeled vehicles and other needed equipment for long-duration missions with limited resupply. Then you are to muster twenty of your best, most loyal Saysquacks and report to Sainte Croix en Plaine with all possible speed and with extreme discretion. There you will be issued the rest of your orders.

July 27th, 1917

Diary of Major Horace S. Browntrout. Dunkirk, France.

Stanley and I have received new orders, but the 2nd Olympian Saysquack is on our way that and we may pop on by and see Branwell. Stanley’s face will be a welcome sight to Branwell at least, though I can’t say as much for my own. I’d like to try to patch things up. Sometimes letters just won’t do, and one must have a tête-à-tête in order to set things aright. In any case, whether he is angry with me or not, I am proud of him and I’ve been meaning to tell him so for some time. Branwell can’t possibly fault me for that. Even with his brooding frown and perpetual pout I confess I miss the lad something fierce and I cannot say what it is, but every time I think of him lately I am overwhelmed with a sense of dread.

Like what you’re reading? Subscribe to my newsletter:

Care to read a hilarious account of Theodore Roosevelt hunting Bigfoot? Find it here:




Envisioning a past that never was. Step through a surreal portal where objective truth, imagined history and satirical fiction coexist.

Love podcasts or audiobooks? Learn on the go with our new app.

Recommended from Medium

George Floyd and the arc toward justice

Scholastica Unicornae

Rise and fall of the bigfeet men

How far do you agree that World War One was caused by the Alliance System?

British Leaders Discuss the Unicorn Menace, Theodore Roosevelt & Wilson’s Policies

What the Hell is Contemporary Circus?

Trump is Not Hitler. America is Not 1930s Germany.

Roosevelt’s Rootin’ Tootin’ Bunch?

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Dash Fire Diaries

Dash Fire Diaries

Envisioning a past that never was. Step through a surreal portal where objective truth, imagined history and satirical fiction coexist.

More from Medium

The First Aid Sausage

The McDonald’s Incident

image of a burger and friends

The machine who thought he was father along. =)