Thanks for letting us subjugate you

May 27th, 1917

Cable from American President Woodrow Wilson to United Kingdom Prime Minister David Lloyd George

It has come to my attention that a large fighting force of American Saysquacks have been requisitioned by the United Kingdom for use in combat operations. It is my intension to convey that I did not authorize nor do I approve of the deployment of the Saysquack (bigfeet, sasquatches) in such a manner. It is only through careful planning and consideration, and only after our strategists and the best Harvard men have determined that the Saysquack has a role in the discharge of armed combat operations and what that role might be, that we will release them for deployment. Until then, we firmly disapprove of any action taken to the contrary. It is the initial impression of this administration that the Saysquack is a lowly beast fit for service in the manner of a draft animal, and should not, under any circumstances, be seen wearing the uniform of any Allied armed forces lest it lower the morale of the troops and make a laughing stock of us to our enemies. We hope you will take this matter very seriously…much more seriously than you took allowing Theodore Roosevelt to serve in your armed forces.

May 30th, 1917

Cable to American President Woodrow Wilson from United Kingdom Prime Minister David Lloyd George

Mr. President, as always, my government receives your concerns with the utmost gravity. We are mindful of the image cast by all of our troops and our war-planners have debated the issue of Saysquack service thoroughly. Unlike in America, a former colony, Britannia is a colonial overlord. We therefore have greater experience with a diversity of cultures and allowing their expression in our armed forces. It is our small way of saying, “thank you for letting us subjugate you.”

In this context, the Saysquack will be viewed as no more alien than our other colonial or Commonwealth regiments. I also hasten to remind you that we have many other Americans honorably serving with us as well, with no objection from your government. The Saysquack has capabilities far beyond that of a draft horse. His strength is matched by his intelligence and endurance. He drills well, and handles all the modern equipment of a typical infantryman. He can strike terror into the hearts of our enemies, and if that mental effect gives us an additional fighting advantage over the Hun, so much the better for us. We have invested too much in their training and equipage to turn back. However, if any of our recruits wish to resign their commissions and return to their homeland they are free to do so at any time. We are confident that history will prove that the Saysquack will acquit himself honorably in the field and bring good tidings and military victory to both Great Britain and America.

Like what you’re reading? Subscribe to my newsletter: https://dashfire.substack.com/

Care to read a hilarious account of Theodore Roosevelt hunting Bigfoot? Find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Squabble-Titans-Recollections-Roosevelt-Rainforest/dp/B097X4R4LN