Thank you for joining our war in progress
May 15th, 1917
Cable from United Kingdom Prime Minister David Lloyd George to American President Woodrow Wilson
Mr. President,
I give you our sincere greetings and thank you once more for joining our war in progress. We think it’s an excellent war, and you’ll get along nicely in it. As you know, it is not uncommon at all for private citizens from allied nations to serve in the ranks of the armed forces of their fellow countries-at-arms. I just wanted to let you know that a Mr. Theodore Roosevelt — who happens to be an ex-president of yours — has been petitioning us for a commission for some months now and after careful review, we have decided to grant it unless of course you have any objection to it. We think Theodore has a can-do attitude, a commitment to excellence, he gets along well with others his age and tries his best to be helpful. He’s made of just “the stuff” that is needed to win wars. In fact, my only regret in having him is that, with Theodore assisting us, this Great War will be over before a full generation of boys will have had the opportunity to properly enjoy it.
Yours Sincerely,
DLG
May 16th, 1917
Cable from American President Woodrow Wilson to United Kingdom Prime Minister David Lloyd George
Dear Mr. Prime Minister,
Whichever side wins this war, it will win by deploying the most sound theories, and applying those theories with methodical precision. The human factor will only become relevant when all other considerations fail to receive their due. I cannot speak for Mr. Roosevelt’s plans or obligations except to say that he has no present or future personal binding commitments to the U.S. Armed Services. As a private citizen of a democratic nation, he is free to concentrate his efforts wherever he wishes. This administration congratulates him on his new posting and wishes him — and you — godspeed and the best of luck wherever he is carried by the winds of destiny.
Sincerest good wishes,
Woodrow Wilson
April 23rd, 1917
Battle Creek Sanitarium
Diary of Theodore Roosevelt
I haven’t eaten this poorly since my expedition doctor replaced my panda steaks with oat bran on my Pan-Olympic Expeditionary Mystery Tour. Dr. Poletree has been replaced as my medical torturer by J.H. Kellogg, who I also had the pleasure of meeting on that trip. Kellogg has numerous novel contraptions for humiliating a person that heretofore could never have been conceived of. None the less, I will show that snake, Wilson! Whatever it takes, however many rotations of the Oscillo-Manipulator and the Foot Vibrator to prove my fitness. I did however, manage to keep my dignity intact and refuse the Colonic Irrigator, despite Kellogg’s insistence on a “cleanse from within.” I will stay at the fat farm however long I must to get fighting fit to lead my Rootin’ Tootin’ Bunch.
May 20th, 1917
Cable from United Kingdom Prime Minister David Lloyd George to Edward Stanley, Earl of Derby, United Kingdom Secretary of State for War
You had assured us that by publicly offering Theodore Roosevelt a command in the British Expedition Force, he would turn it down and be offered a command by President Wilson. Both of these expectations have turned out false. Wilson is stalwart in his refusal to allow Roosevelt a command. To avoid embarrassment, we now have no choice but to make good our offer. We will not allow you to tender your resignation. You will be responsible for anything that happens to the “Roosevelt Regiment” from here on. Your only direct orders not to name it “Roosevelt’s Rootin’ Tootin’ Bunch.” Otherwise, you are commanded to use your discretion. Use it wisely.
Like what you’re reading? Subscribe to my newsletter: https://dashfire.substack.com/
Care to read a hilarious account of Theodore Roosevelt hunting Bigfoot? Find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Squabble-Titans-Recollections-Roosevelt-Rainforest/dp/B097X4R4LN
