T.E. Lawrence on using virgins to detonate unicorns

T.E. Lawrence, officer, revolutionary, anti-unicorn military tactician

January 25th, 1917

Diary of Captain T.E. Lawrence

I was not supposed to know that Browntrout and his simian friend were coming, because High Command knew of my penchant for disappearing when they gave orders I didn’t like. But I had my friends and sources throughout Europe and I knew of them and I knew what to expect. Even though they appeared to be bunglers, their case was complex and intriguing.

A unicorn infestation was something not seen since the Crusades. I consulted Malory’s Le Mort d’Arthur. It was immediately apparent that flank attacks and other attempts to outmaneuver or chase the agile beast would prove a futile exercise. Instead, we must lure it to us. It came to me that unicorns are attracted to virgins. Although unicorns are hardy animals, I reasoned that if you were to wrap a virgin in 10 lbs. of gelignite, it would probably obliterate any unicorns within a blast radius of 30 feet.

There was, however, the ethical considerations involved with blowing up virgins.

Never the less, I figured it must be possible to find people who had committed execrable deeds but were otherwise sexually pure, and thus find no quarrel in detonating them — but I would leave such ethical quandaries to Browntrout and his gang. It was my obligation only to assist him in discovering the scientific principles of killing unicorns.

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Care to read a hilarious account of Theodore Roosevelt hunting Bigfoot? Find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Squabble-Titans-Recollections-Roosevelt-Rainforest/dp/B097X4R4LN

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