Scholastica Unicornae

Nine-tenths of tactics were certain enough to be teachable in schools; but the irrational tenth was like the kingfisher flashing across the pond, and in it lay the test of generals.

— T.E. Lawrence, Seven Pillars of Wisdom

March 6th, 1917

Diary of Major T.E. Lawrence

We received intelligence that an Einhornwaffe unit was providing security for dignitaries on Turkish trains. This was our chance to probe their defenses, and for Browntrout and Stanley to see what they are up against, tactically. The trick, I think, is breaking through the unicorn’s training to reach its animal instincts. That way we can disrupt the entire scheme. My main source at the Ashmolean Museum, Professor George Baker, says that several Medieval bestiaries pertaining to unicorn lore have disappeared from the archives recently, leaving us virtually empty-handed. The Physiologus is the only remaining source we have on the habits and life of unicorns. The Unicorn Tapestries of Anne of Brittany, Thomas’s Merton’s Phantastikal Creatures of the Shared Domain, The Natural Order of the Beasts and How They Came to Be, by Pliny the Lazy. Of these, the most important is the Einhornalles, also known as The Unicornicon. Written by an Austrian monk in 1200 A.D., it’s home had been the Ashmolean for the past 200 years until it suddenly disappeared.

From what we do know, it is clear that we need to set a trap and bait it with virgins. Traveling with the rough fighters of Bedouin warlords makes this difficult. However, when I explained the difficulty. When I asked about camp if there was anyone who had not lain with another, there was silence until I came to Farraj and Daud. My servants explained that along with their youth, their purity is also intact. This was perfect.

Care to read a hilarious account of Theodore Roosevelt hunting Bigfoot? Find it here:



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Dash Fire Diaries

Envisioning a past that never was. Step through a surreal portal where objective truth, imagined history and satirical fiction coexist.