Saysquack (Bigfoot) recruitment for the British war effort
October 8th, 1916
Dispatch from Gen. Douglas Haig to Lieutenant Horace S. Browntrout. Classified: Most Secret.
You are ordered to use all means available to you to procure 500 fighting Saysquacks. Will arrange their transportation from Seattle to Cairo aboard RMS Franklin. You will be given 10 gold bars and 4000 lbs. cracked corn to persuade Saysquacks (Bigfoot, Sasquatch) to join British war effort.
October 22nd, 1916
Chelak Station, Olympic Peninsula, United States
Diary of Lieutenant Horace S. Browntrout
I just arrived at Chelak Station. I came over on the RMS Adriatic, the same ship I took during my first Saysquack expedition. The crew and passengers were terrified about the chances of being torpedoed after what happened to the Lusitania, but we encountered no u-boats on the crossing.
I am under a great deal of pressure to deliver at least 300 able bodied, male Saysquacks (preferably 500) to the war front. Since I am a physician, it was decided that I would perform the physical examinations and handle the paperwork of any inductees myself. High Command feels that the fewer humans have contact with the Saysquack on this delicate diplomatic mission, the better it will be for all.
I was initially recalcitrant — to the point of outright refusal. Stanley and I have been to the front and seen that it is an abattoir. If we send 500 Saysquacks to the front it would be miraculous if 50 return, so severe is the slaughter on the Western Front. But those 50 who do return would come back with something priceless for all: independence.
I have been given assurances by David Lloyd George among others that if I can obtain the service of 500 Saysquacks (Bigfeet), the British government will set aside an independent state for them — possibly somewhere near Wooly Acres. We’re tentatively calling it the “Free State of New Quackland.” It might only amount to 500 acres, but it’s a start. It’s guaranteed, sovereign land, upon which the Saysquack might plant his own flag and choose his own destiny.
Of course, it would be much better if he could do this in Stanley’s natural home of the Olympic Rainforest, but I’ve written dozens of letters to President Wilson and received no response. Wilson has less than no desire to see a free and independent homeland for the Saysquack — he actively conspires against it. He will not even take action to ensure that the Roosevelt Rainforest becomes Roosevelt Olympic — Saysquack National Park.
I will make arrangements to see that unlike Stanley, these other Saysquacks do not see front line or other hazardous duty. It should be easy to convince High Command that they would be of greater service transporting ammunition and materials over rough terrain rather than running through No Man’s Land.
November 8th, 1916
Field Camp Dash Fire, Olympic Peninsula, United States
Letter from Lieutenant Horace S. Browntrout to David Lloyd George, United Kingdom Secretary of State for War
Greetings my Lord,
I am in negotiations with Yumph, the Saysquack Rumplebump (a kind of Headman or Chieftain). Negotiations are slow because the Saysquacks communicate through a kind of proto-language; it takes a great deal of time, circumlocutions and stick-figure drawings to convey our complex intentions and process their response. I believe our position would be greatly strengthened if I could offer assurances that the Saysquacks would be deployed for transport only, where their natural talent for hauling large objects would afford us the greatest advantage. Frontline duty would be a waste of a valuable resource, given the unique nature of the task for which they are fitted.
November 12th, 1916
Field Camp Dash Fire, Olympic Peninsula, United States
Cable from David Lloyd George, United Kingdom Secretary of State for War to Lieutenant Horace S. Browntrout. Classified: Most Secret
OFFER SAYSQUACK ASSURANCE OF REARGUARD DUTY ONLY. TRANSPORT AND CLERICAL DUTIES. STILL NEGOTIATING WITH PM OVER FORMATION OF FREE STATE OF NEW QUACKLAND. DIFFICULTY IN ANNEXING EXITMOUTH FOR THIS PURPOSE. CITIZENSHIP FOR HONORABLE SERVICE MAY BE MORE FEASIBLE.
November 12th, 1916
Chelak Station, Olympic Coast, Olympic Peninsula, United States
Diary of Lieutenant Horace S. Browntrout
Received a cable from the Secretary [of State for War] today. He offers very little in return for a force of American Saysquacks. He at least promises that they will not serve on the frontlines, although I am not sure that they will excel at their clerical tasks, given the limitations of language. Still, as my batman Stanley has come a long way in taking dictation of my letters. While it may lack in elegance or coherence, his unique shorthand has a kind of phonetic resonance to it. Still, the letters I dictate to Stanley are less intended to be read than they are…experienced.
But I digress. Lloyd George sent me back to the Olympic Rainforest with promises of an independent Saysquack state located in the heart of the British Isles. All it would take is ceding a few dairy farms and convincing three or four landed aristocrats to give up their estates and we’d have plenty of room for New Quackland and its capitol city Bicycleville. Now it sounds as though we cannot even definitively settle the matter of British citizenship for honorably-serving Saysquacks.
How am I to explain to Yumph that he has nothing to gain and nothing to lose by going to the Western Front, but that he should send 500 Saysquacks anyway?
December 12th, 1916
Letter from Edward Stanley, 17th Earl of Derby, incoming United Kingdom Secretary of State for War to David Sykes, operative. Classified: Most Secret
You are to take over as liaisons regarding Saysquack (Bigfoot) matters. On the Saysquack recruitment question, offer Browntrout whatever he needs, including assurances of post-war sovereignty or at least self-rule in a newly appointed colony for the Saysquack. Promise rearguard duty and rearguard, non-combatant positions as well as full British citizenship to all Saysquacks upon honorable conclusion of service. We may even need to send additional incentives to the Olympic Peninsula to entice enlistment, but this should be done with the greatest discretion towards our American allies. Browntrout is currently operating incognito and without official approval, so the sooner we conclude our Saysquack affairs on the American continent, the better.
December 16th, 1916
Field Camp Dash Fire, Olympic Peninsula, United States
Diary of Lieutenant Horace S. Browntrout
Excellent news! I received word from the new Secretary of State for War that the Saysquacks are to be granted rearguard duty during the war and independence after the war or British citizenship for those who want it. I have spoken to Yumph, who has bestowed his approval on the enterprise. We will make our way back to England and to the war front by first detouring through Mexico, so as not to arouse the suspicious of the American authorities as we would going overland and departing from the east.
December 17th, 1916
Cable from Lieutenant Horace S. Browntrout to British High Command, sent from Chelak Station, Olympic Coast
NEGOTIATIONS SUCCESSFUL. MOBILIZING 5000 QUACKS FOR TRANSPORT. RMS FRANKLIN MAX CAPACITY 700. NEED ADDITIONAL SHIPS. SEND AT ONCE.
January 14th, 1917
London, England
Diary of Lieutenant Horace S. Browntrout
It took some doing, but all 5,000 enlisted Saysquacks have been processed into the army and are completing their basic training. I must admit to a feeling of pride, seeing them in their fatigues, riles in hand, learning their drills, marching in formation. Although I know that they won’t need any of it — they’re all going to be in transportation units — the discipline, grooming and hygiene the British army instills will be good for their overall morale. My heart swells, knowing that they will have served honorably as allies and then in return they will obtain their own country to do with what they please. Already I can envision the big footed prime ministers and members of parliament and barefoot supreme court magistrates administering and creating justice for all! I am duly relieved that they will not be serving in combat roles, for I witnessed firsthand what large targets they make. They do not possess the natural aggression and fighting ability that is ascribed to them and besides, this is not their war. It is not their responsibility to die for the horrible mistakes humans have made. It is enough that they carry boxes of ammunition on their backs to us whilst we die for the horrible mistakes we have made. Better no one dies at all…
Word has it that I am to report for a kind of special duty soon, though I have not yet received the orders. There is an eccentric chap in the desert — a British officer they say who tramps around in Bedouin robes. I heard tell that my batman Stanley the Saysquack and I may be transferred down to Cairo and out of the European theatre of operations for good. Perhaps this is my reward for making good on bringing so many Saysquacks in to the army. Who knows why they do what they do? All that concerns me is that it would take me further from Branwell when I promised Effie, I would keep an eye on him. I would ask that he be transferred with me, but I know my son’s sense of honor. He would never speak to me again if I did anything to intentionally get him out of harm’s way. But maybe there is another way…
January 16th , 1917
Cable from High Command to Lieutenant Horace S. Browntrout
Report for duty at Cairo HQ. Transfer imminent to newly formed Anti-Unicorn Brigade. First train in guerilla tactics with Cap T.E. Lawrence. Stanley to transfer with you. Best of luck.
January 17th, 1917
London, England
Letter from Lieutenant Horace S. Browntrout to High Command
Dear Sirs,
It has come to my attention that the influx of 5000 Saysquacks will require special attention and training that only a limited number of officers are equipped to provide. While docile, the mighty Saysquack is a primitive anthropoid. They are distractible, fearful of loud noises, drop scat when startled, require patient repetition and understanding of their “quirks” in order to successfully acclimatize them to the sights and sounds of war. Note-taking and clerical duties will take the longest to learn, but inventory and transportation duties will also take some time for the Saysquack to adapt to. I am best fitted for this duty of teaching them. I am, however being called away on special assignment. The second-best choice for this duty is Lieutenant Branwell Browntrout, who has almost the same level of familiarity with Saysquack behavior and habits as I do.
Care to read a hilarious account of Theodore Roosevelt hunting Bigfoot? Find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Squabble-Titans-Recollections-Roosevelt-Rainforest/dp/B097X4R4LN
