National conscience stain removal
Excerpt from Saysquack Policy, The Balfour Doctrine
In general practice, a nation may not eat its deceased soldiers. Such activity would incur a stain on said nation’s conscience. However, in cases of dire necessity, such a stain could be removed with aid of proper moral justifications, thus re-purifying the national conscience once again.
August 13th, 1917
Communique from Brigadier General Mac Allan Macaby, “Mac the Body Stacker” to Gen Douglas Haig regarding the edibility and rationing of deceased saysquacks for use in tinned meats
Sir, it has come to my attention that the food supply crisis at the front is reaching a critical mass. Bully beef is almost unavailable. The creation of “vegetable meat” using dried turnips and cabbage paste has led to near-mutinous behavior in several units. A general consensus exists among officers and men that the Carry On Sir John! Potted Meat Product is unpalatable and causing multiple cases of what the men are calling “Sir John’s Revenge” — that is to say, undignified intestinal discharge. Disobedient and slack bowels are humiliating, poor for morale, and most unbecoming of soldiers in service of His Majesty. It is said that the Ministry of Food Control will soon institute rationing both at home and at the front as these shortages continue.
However, despite these woes, a way forward has been presented by the Deputy Quartermaster General of the 4th Olympian Saysquack. He has suggested a method by which we may turn our own losses into a way to meet the nutritional requirements of the men.
After the decimation of the 2nd Olympian Saysquack, thousands of deceased saysquacks were laid to rest by burial details which required numerous resources, manpower and days to complete. But what was worse than the time and energy wasted, was that a potential healthy, nutritional food source was simply tossed aside rather than being utilized for the general welfare of those units which have survived and must carry on.
Therefore, I suggest we institute a “voluntary victualing” policy whereby saysquacks shall be encouraged to donate their tissues and edible organs for contribution to the greater good — only upon their deaths, of course. However, death need not be the only route to donation. The program should also apply to those saysquacks who, by dint of dire necessity, receive a battlefield amputation. In this way, their “lost” limb may not be lost at all, and the recovering saysquack may regain some of their moral strength by seeing how useful they may be, even when grievously injured. To encourage the saysquacks to enlist in the program, we could offer them “certificates of meritorious conduct” or some such, or pre-death combat food service medals featuring a golden plate, fork and knife attached to a red ribbon, which every quack would proudly display on their uniform…until they die and give themselves to succor their human comrades.
Did not Jesus Christ do the very same for us? Indeed, what’s good enough for Jesus is good enough for the saysquack. Nutritional scientists have also recommended that we feed any saysquacks in the program an excess of sugar, fats and carbohydrates, tolerating and even encouraging obesity, that their added bulk may additionally benefit their comrades. This too, may be held up to any reticent saysquacks as an added bonus of membership in the program.
To further honor and respect their contribution, all deceased saysquack veterans should receive a dignified military burial of all of their inedible remains. Furthermore, each saysquack soldier’s photograph, name, rank and unit should be placed on the label affixed to any tin housing their life-giving flesh, that their famished human comrades never forget the individual who made the sacrifice necessary so that they may fight on in service of the United Kingdom.
I suggest these improvements be made as expeditiously as possible, that we may not waste one more soldier, and so that their deaths no longer contribute to waste and inefficiency, but enlarge the morale, the fortitude, and the fighting capacity of the British Expeditionary Force. For further endorsement of this noble project, please see this attached letter from our own Captain Theodore Roosevelt, a well-respect statesman, scholar, and former president of the United States.
Brigadier General Macaby
Letter from Theodore Roosevelt concerning the consumption of fallen saysquacks in a time of need, undated
To my Superior Officers,
I have studied, hunted, and consumed the saysquack more than anyone else living or dead. Well before the saysquack proved himself a loyal and fearless soldier, he was a hearty, boldly-flavored game animal who, in many cases, made a very gracious transition from forest to plate. How can I begin to describe him? His flesh his supple, yet firm and densely organized. His flank, rump and ribs are more palatable than the same cuts in the finest beef cow. His flavor profile is nutty, with an aftertaste a strange yet well-balanced mingling of beef, chicken and a hint of skunk. The saysquack’s diet of roughage make it more pure and healthful than other denizens of the barnyard that are raised on a diet of suet, corn or low-grade feed.
As I have witnessed first hand, like other lower creatures, the saysquack has but few qualms or taboos regarding the consumption of its own dead. If offered gentle encouragement or a few trinkets, it will easily be persuaded to submit to the victualization needs of the military it serves. Given these facts, as well as the current crisis of meat shortages, I therefore highly recommend you follow Gen Macaby’s program proposal.
If I may, I would like to offer an additional piece of advice regarding the administration of the program: All members of the Victual Volunteer Corps should be placed in high-risk positions in the most active sectors of the front, in order to increase the probability of a donation. They should be adequately sheltered from artillery barrages, as these beastly weapons irreparable damage the best cuts of quack steak. Damage from machine-gun fire will create extra work for the chef’s assistants, but will still leave much of the edible flesh and organs intact. Therefore, frontal infantry assaults are the best option for fulfilling backlogged requisitions for meats.
To further streamline this process, one soldier in every five should be outfitted with a field dressing kit and received specialized instruction in the dressing of game. I would be happy to train other comrades in arms as Extremely Fresh Tenderized Under Procurement (EFT-UP) officers, who could then train the soldiers in their units designated for the aforementioned tasks.
I also recommend that military scientists be commissioned to create new methods of lengthening the shelf-life of canned quack meats, thereby allowing for the creation of surplus stocks that could go far in both military and civilian life towards eliminating famines caused by droughts, emerging conflicts, or other unforeseen conditions.
I hope High Command will take these suggestions with the good faith in which they are intended, and see that they are not only intended to aid in military endeavors, but also in the moral improvement of the saysquack, by giving him the opportunity to practice altruism and self-sacrifice for a higher purpose. This not only adds character to individual saysquacks who choose to participate in the program; it also adds to the general prosperity of the entire species, propelling them to take one further baby step out of the pit of unprincipled turpitude they have hitherto found themselves in, towards the light of a decorous and civilized existence.
Thank you for taking these ideas under advisement.
Like what you’re reading? Subscribe to my newsletter: https://dashfire.substack.com/
Care to read a hilarious account of Theodore Roosevelt hunting Bigfoot? Find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Squabble-Titans-Recollections-Roosevelt-Rainforest/dp/B097X4R4LN