Make mittens, not war, Mr. Roosevelt

Dash Fire Diaries
3 min readJan 4, 2022

April 14th, 1917

Letter from President Woodrow Wilson to United States Secretary of War Newton D. Baker

There are numerous reasons why we cannot allow Theodore Roosevelt to create a volunteer division and join the war and there are multiple facts that support this conclusion. First, he is not fit for duty as a soldier. No matter how much he might protest, he may not be as heavy as Taft but he is none the less grotesquely obese. Second, his inevitable death — while favorable to him — would cause him to become a martyr, which would make this administration look rightfully irresponsible for allowing him to go to war. This would certainly hurt — possibly beyond repair — our chances for reelection. It would be unseemly to have a former President die in a gruesome combat situation. Third, in the unlikely event that Roosevelt lives, he would become a hero just by dint of his survival, and this would also become an irritant, should he decide to run against me. Therefore, under no circumstances will we allow Roosevelt to organize his volunteer militia, and we must stymie any attempt he makes to personally involve himself with the war.

April 15th, 1917

Letter from Newton D. Baker, United States Secretary of War to Theodore Roosevelt

Dear Mr. Roosevelt,

This administration is honored by your patriotism, dedication to duty, and loyalty to these United States. Even in your Golden Years, your desire to be of service is boundless and dogged. Unfortunately, war has changed since you crested the ridge at San Juan Hill with saber in hand, and we must meet the requirements of a new age. Today’s wars require the commitment and tenacity of many thousands of professional men acting in taciturn concert, not the bold actions or heroic deeds of a single brazen soldier, plunging into the maelstrom of combat to win the day by inspiration. Also unfortunately, we shall not be instituting a draft with a maximum age limit of 65 and a weight limit of 300 lbs., as you suggested, even though there are certainly some people who fall in these demographics whose “fighting spirit” make up for their other deficiencies in combat-preparedness. We suggest that there are many other ways to be of service in these trying times, such as knitting for example. Mittens and hats are in very short supply at the front. Think of the morale boost it would give to some lonely, trench-bound serviceman, or to an armless fellow in a shell hole in No Man’s Land, to know that his mittens were made for him specially by Theodore Roosevelt. Think carefully on this matter before responding. I have enclosed the address of the nearest Red Cross volunteer center so you may apply at your earliest convenience.

All the best,

Newton D. Baker

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Care to read a hilarious account of Theodore Roosevelt hunting Bigfoot? Find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Squabble-Titans-Recollections-Roosevelt-Rainforest/dp/B097X4R4LN

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Dash Fire Diaries

Envisioning a past that never was. Step through a surreal portal where objective truth, imagined history and satirical fiction coexist.