British Leaders Discuss the Unicorn Menace, Theodore Roosevelt & Wilson’s Policies
May 16th, 1916
Statement to the press from President Woodrow Wilson
The United States is very displeased by the loss of life aboard the Orient Express, particularly the lives of 21 of our countrymen. The evidence that the Empire of Germany has violated the multi-party neutrality agreement to attack civilian transportation yet again is…apparent. We find these raids…irritating beyond measure. The use of unicorns to attack unarmed civilians is wholly unacceptable. As always, we will ascertain the facts to determine a measured and proportionate response through the appropriate diplomatic channels in the hopes that the Kaiser’s government will experience…displeasure and discomfort and decide to change its actions through peaceful means.
May 17th, 1916
Cable from United Kingdom Prime Minister Herbert Henry Asquith to Lord Horatio Kitchener, United Kingdom Secretary of State for War
It appears that even the loss of American life on an unarmed civilian transport will not cause Wilson to commit America to entering the war. I fear we cannot now or ever expect the Americans to ever depart from their neutral stance.
May 17th, 1916
Cable from Lord Horatio Kitchener, United Kingdom Secretary of State for War to Gen. Douglas Haig
I want a full report of all the unicorn counter-measures we have been deploying up to this point and a plan in place to create a committee which will form a taskforce to appropriately address the unicorn menace with a set of stern despatches to the German and Austro-Hungarian Imperial Armies. These despatches must emphasize the illegality of the behavior that has been directed at Allied forces heretofore using despicable (don’t use the word “despicable,” not yet…it’s too strong) guerilla warfare tactics to demoralize our men, rather than fight face to face and elbow to elbow as it is in the trenches where the rest of us are. Furthermore, we have an obligation to act quickly and decisively to address this problem. I want this taskforce put together no longer than six months from now and I want those despatches sent and counter-responses and detailed reverse-memoranda prepared no longer than six weeks after the initial “push.” Am I completely clear? Breathe a word of this to no one outside of the circle of those who are absolutely necessary to the winning of this bloody conflict.
May 18th, 1916
Cable from Gen. Douglas Haig to Lord Horatio Kitchener, United Kingdom Secretary of State for War
You as clear as a shining diamond, sir. I will communicate nothing about the unicorn taskforce to anyone until a committee has been formed, and I will only begin to form a committee after notifying the German Empire of our intent to do so. I will wait six weeks before beginning this arduous process, and then I will create counter-memoranda that weakly objects to these despicable bastards as a smokescreen to our true intensions to STRONGLY object to their use of despicable and illegal tactics. After a subsequent four weeks following the first six weeks I will form a taskforce only on a “need to know” basis. I even have a method of doing this, sir, using a secret code I’ve invented. I have spent thousands of man-hours translating military communiques and other intelligence into the secret code using a master key only I possess. After all the documents pertaining to the unicorn taskforce have been translated, I will eat the code key, and thus no one will ever be able to decipher the code or read the documents.
May 18th, 1916
Cable from Lord Horatio Kitchener, United Kingdom Secretary of State for War to Gen. Douglas Haig
You are smarter than you look, Haig. It’s a cracking brilliant move to code the documents and then destroy the master key. Absolutely fool proof! We’ll have the Germans over a barrel, won’t we! By Guy Fawkes Day our boys will be singing Rule Britannia in the streets of Munich. I have just one suggestion: get rid of the master key before you even begin using it. That’s an even safer way to ensure no coded documents end up in enemy hands. We must take every measure possible to protect ourselves as there are spies everywhere on both sides of the Hindenburg Line. To further confuse any potential spies in your inner circle, begin writing your counter-memoranda FIRST, then write your memoranda. Better yet, write everything backwards, inventing a code as you go along without using any kind of code key. Just make sure all of your documents are legible.
May 18th, 1916
Cable from Lord Horatio Kitchener, United Kingdom Secretary of State for War to Herbert Henry Asquith, United Kingdom Prime Minister
We may yet have another gambit for obtaining compliance from the Americans and having them enter the war. Theodore Roosevelt has contacted me several times to express his support for the war and to say that a sizeable portion of the population would enter the war on our side if Wilson would allow it. Roosevelt has inquired regarding feasibility of personally joining the ranks of the British Expeditionary Force. With your permission, I think we should offer him a command position, as it might encourage American sentiment towards us.
May 18th, 1916
Cable from United Kingdom Prime Minister Herbert Henry Asquith to Lord Horatio Kitchener, United Kingdom Secretary of State for War
If Mr. Roosevelt were to expire in a combat situation, what effect would it have on the American people? Would it inspire them to join us or turn against us?
May 18th, 1916
Cable from Lord Horatio Kitchener, United Kingdom Secretary of State for War to Herbert Henry Asquith, United Kingdom Prime Minister
He is much beloved — perhaps more beloved than any other public figure. The Americans would never forgive whomever they held responsible. If they felt we were heedless with his safety, they would hold us to account. If, on the other hand, he were to die by some cowardly attack perpetrated as part of one of the Kaiser’s schemes, there could be no question of their entering the war. We could offer him a rearguard, “safe” command, but then he is a rather bellicose fellow and might insist on frontline action. Once here, he could be difficult to control.
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