Anti-Unicorn Brigades Missing in Action
September 15th, 1916
Despatch from Gen. Douglas Haig the Office of the United Kingdom Secretary of State for War. Classified: Most Secret.
My Lords, it displeases me greatly to report that Her Majesty’s 67th and 231st Anti-Unicorn Brigades have been lost in action 200 miles north of the Hindenburg Line. They were surrounded and overrun by two units of the Einhornwaffe, the 13th and 45th Imperial and Royal Tyrolean Mounted Unicorn Brigades, based in Innsbruck, Austria. Our men were were pursuing Einhornwaffe units headed north, deep into the heart of the Austrian state of Tyrol. The Einhornwaffe is known for showing no quarter to enemy units and taking no prisoners. All the men of the 67th and 231st are MIA and presumed dead. We have sent our last unit, His Majesty’s 51st Anti-Unicorn Brigade on a scouting mission in order to ascertain the whereabouts and disposition of the of the other units. Their last known location was Kematen in Tyrol. We are hopeful that they will return, but are not optimistic, given the few despatches we have intercepted. The reports indicated high casualty rates, difficulty in locating the enemy in his own home territory, and hostility of the local population to our presence. Given the fact that the unicorn problem has only worsened in the ensuing years, we recommend the formation of ten new brigade-level units with search and destroy missions similar to those that were lost.
Like what you’re reading? Subscribe to my newsletter: https://dashfire.substack.com/
Care to read a hilarious account of Theodore Roosevelt hunting Bigfoot? Find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Squabble-Titans-Recollections-Roosevelt-Rainforest/dp/B097X4R4LN